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Massages are meant to be a time of total and utter relaxation. An hour or so of TLC, when your mind is allowed to completely switch off. But inevitably, the opposite happens. Most likely because you’re practically naked and a stranger, hopefully a lovely stranger, is sensuously moving their hands from head to toe. So actually the mind doesn’t calm, it goes into overdrive and drifts to form these thoughts:
- “Please don’t put your oily hands through my hair. I’ve literally just washed it.” Ahh yes, when the masseuse’s hands start to drift ever so slightly too near your hair when they’re working out the knots on your shoulders. No one wants to walk out looking like a grease ball.
- “You bitch. That really hurt.” If you hold a lot of tension anywhere on your body, then they’re going to try and work it out of you. It is their job, after all. Unfortunately, that part isn’t the most relaxing, it is in fact really bloody painful.
- “Why are you tucking the towel into my knickers? Now my butt crack is on show!” It is a very strange sensation when someone pulls down your knickers ever so slightly and tucks the towel into the waistband. Never fear, this is purely to get better access to every part of your back. Nothing at all to do with your bottom.
- “If I fall asleep, will I fart in my sleep?” A common worry. When you totally relax, your body totally relaxes, including your sphincter. So if you’ve held anything in that day, you never know something might pop out.
- “Do my feet smell?” This is a tricky one. If you’re in a really smart spa, the typical protocol is to wash your feet as you have a mini consultation ahead of the massage. These chaps know what they’re doing. They know that you might have been on your feet all day, in nylon tights. They understand - they don’t want to smell your feet. Smaller places might not have the space to provide a footbath ahead of time, so in these cases, yes your feet probably do smell. Sorry.
- “Please stop staring at my cellulite. I know that’s what you’re doing.” This might be what they’re doing, but not for the reasons you’re thinking. Deep tissue massage around the tops of your thighs can actually help improve the appearance of orange peel, so they’re probably looking at how much pressure to apply.
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